I can remember when I was 17 years old God planted a different seed in my heart.  I found myself as an upperclassman on a team with young talent.  And I can still remember how God placed something different in my heart to become an encourager to them to reach their full potential when it came to athletics.  God was developing my identity in Him as well as growing a desire to reach others with the gospel of Jesus.  To live truth.  Speak truth.  Be truth.  This transferred to my college life as well as the heartbeat of my life became encouraging others.  I poured out to others around me over and over again celebrating the victories and success of others with them.  God grew and grew the seed that had been planted into my heart each year adding something new.

And so, becoming a teacher was no accident.  To teach is to change a life forever.  Teachers pour out to their students on a daily basis, loving them for the time that they have them in their classroom. Teaching was just an extension of ministry for me, as was coaching.  A few victories I remember, but more than that, I remember the people that were beside me at that time.  I can tell you the name of each of those players on each team along with countless others who came out of my classroom, achieving more than they believed they every would.  Because to me it was never about the numbers but it was about the people.  To me what mattered most was that those young people who I had influence over had their feet planted in a direction that would give them the best start on their adult lives.  To me what mattered more is that they had truth and freedom in their lives.

Cultivating their character, self-worth, empathy for others and strength were emphasized just as much as if they could translate a DNA strand or finish their lay-up.  My heart was to take a child who believed he was just average and wasn’t motivated and light a spark in them to believe that they could achieve what they put their mind to.  Winning was great and I know that the success my girls had on the court and in the classroom translated to building their character.  They learned that hard work and dedication produced the results that they wanted.  Doing something over and over again until it became natural was an important skill. But it taught just as much about being dedicated as it did winning a game.  And so to see them celebrate their victories was rewarding to me.  But as they continued on in life, it was just as rewarding seeing them pursuing a career, becoming teachers themselves with that same passion to push others, or hearing their stories of working in a lab and the projects they are trying to complete.

Why did I do what I did?  Why do I do what I do now?  Why have I been to Virginia, Slippery Rock and Guatemala?  It’s all for one purpose.  Ministry.  Life to me is just ministry wherever God may take me.  A classroom, a court, a house, the market.

My life in the states has had the pattern of having a job that became my ministry.  More undercover.  In my move to Guatemala, my ministry became my job and the switch impacts all that you do and how you do it.  There was no undercover work to be done.  People knew your purpose.  You were vulnerable.  You were exposed.  When your life carries the label of working IN ministry, there are different expectations upon you.  And to be honest, they are harder than when you have a job where you CHOOSE when to reach out in ministry.

And so the big question for me was, in what order would God place me for my next position?  Would I have a job that I created ministry out of?  Or would I have a ministry that was my job?  It looks like God wants to keep me exposed. Keep me vulnerable.  And keep me pouring out.

I have transitioned myself to a position within the CCO (Coalition for Christian Outreach).  The CCO works to transform college students to transform the world.  In a way I feel like I have the opportunity to multiply myself.  To instill that passion I have to reach others within the students with whom I am working.  It is a partnership opportunity where I will be working both on Grove City College campus and Slippery Rock University as well as reaching out to 18-24 year olds in this area.  And so.  This is where I stand now.  Here.  With my heart outside of my body exposed.  Ahhhh.

I am still letting that truth settle in.  That this next journey of my life will be a challenge.  That I am choosing to call my career ministry.  To define my life and my identity by ministry and not by teaching.  I am choosing to be criticized by others.  I am choosing to battle for the hearts and lives of young people without the shield of a different title in front of me.

My heart remains the same – to see lives transformed and feet planted firmly in the direction of their calling.  And so, will you pray with me as we continue to plan for what this will look like on these campuses and within this community.  This is where God has me.  This is where God is working in me.  May we press on one day at a time.

As 2017 was a transition year for me, I know that 2018 will usher in much newness and change.  I have already moved houses, began ministering with a new group of students and tumbled through a cascade of change.  I have been reflecting back on 2017 and God’s hand in it all.  I felt as if He told me to rest.  To not take on anything new.  To just be.  And in that I had the opportunity to work as a woodshop teacher, to see what middle school was all about, to spend time in prayer and preparation for what was to come, to begin new friendships , to heal from past wounds and to allow God to lead me to ministry opportunities.

When life goes from living in one country to living in the next, there is no denying that the season is changing.  And I feel as if I have learned much in the transition.  I am sure that I am not done.  I am sure that I am not prepared for all that is to come, but I know one thing…. It’s coming whether I think I’m ready or not.

I have been reflecting on my life in decades (because I have a few now).  And this last decade has had a profound lesson for me.  I was born one of those strong-willed children, determined to accomplish what I wanted to accomplish through hard work, dedication and my own efforts.  I relied on God for direction and learned how to hear His voice.  But when I heard His voice, I would take His words and run with them.  I went from a place of reliance on Him to taking it on and pushing forward to accomplish from my own strength.  I didn’t realize at times that I was doing this because I spoke the words of surrender and was open to where He wanted me to go.  I viewed my life as ministry and let it be just that.  I was working for Him and serving Him so I defined that as surrender.  This was how I lived out my second decade.

This last decade has been a game changer and it’s not over yet.  I have had the wind knocked out of my sails a few times and surprises hit me.  Putting me in a position where even if I wanted to do something or change the situation through hard work and determination, it was impossible due to the circumstances.  They were situations that taught me, if they were going to change, than it would have to be God doing all of the change and me being on the sideline;  there was nothing I could do.  Not even a little bit.  And if I began to meddle in that… it began to get conflicted all over again.  I just had to wait.  And wait some more and pour out prayers.

Different images come to my mind.  I imagine standing at the base of a huge dam that is about to explode.  I am pushing against the wall, but the truth is the wall is so large and powerful and I am so small.  No size of effort on my part is going to do anything.  Or the seasons.  Oh how I hate winter.  The cold, the grey skies and dismal days.  I try to hold onto and embrace the warm September days forever and am always in denial of what it to come.  But no matter what I do, the snow comes, the sun sets and we endure winter.

And so I have come to the same place in my spiritual journey.  I have realized that there have been times that I have reversed the order of being and doing.  When I didn’t think things were happening as I wanted them to, I would look to see what else I could be doing. I looked to God for vision and direction.  I listened to His voice and then I went out and accomplished what I sensed Him saying.  But God has given me this window of truth in this last decade that I am hoping to take into the next.  We must BE first and DO next.  Our doing flows out of our being.  I look to God for vision, He gives His vision and then He accomplishes His vision through me.  I am just the vessel and He can do it without me.  I cannot resist the change in the seasons.  They will come.  They will go.  I must embrace this change as it plays out in my own life.

I am prepping for a new season of ministry, grateful for the time I was given to rest.  And as I prepare for what’s next, I’ve realized that there is nothing I can do to transform myself into a person that loves and serves as Jesus does except to make myself available to be formed into whatever it is Jesus is doing in my life.  It is about being formed, not forming myself.

My blogs have been few and sporadic because my life has been the same – sporadic. Yet settled at the same time.

I transitioned back and that transition was very, very hard. There was much to learn about the way of life since I had left and was settled here permanently. And much to settle in my heart as well. I had been changed much, and transitioning back to life here had me in a different place. God was gracious and gave me a steady job where I could go to work each day, create and interact with young people. I gave myself a sabbatical from ministry and allowed others to pour into my heart, challenge me and grow. It was a very fruitful and refreshing time. Ministry never completely stops as God brought people into my life that challenged me and that I could love upon, but for the most part… I knew I was called to this time of rest.

Just the pace alone of the states calls for a rest and I was coming out of a time period where change was the norm. We are pressed every day to be involved with things. Gone are the days where the neighborhood kids decided what they were doing for entertainment when they got home from school. Now, we have five options every day of activities organized by adults to place our kids in. As adults we have the same thing. We have the needs of our families, our community, and our work pulling us in so many directions that so many times our eyes focus on that next time in our lives that we will have a break. The next time where we will be able to be home in the evening for four solid hours without any demands upon us. This rarity has become what we set our hearts on now, when it used to be the norm.

As I was hit with this shock when I returned, I was slow to engage and now I see the purpose that God had for me in that. It was a Sabbath rest for me – a sabbatical from ministry. A break from the demands of pouring out. In that time, I also was able to reconstruct my thoughts. How I wanted to approach this lifestyle. How I poured out. And how I was poured into. To establish a balance so that this world did not strip me of growth God had brought me to in my time in Guatemala.

One of the books that greatly impacted the way that I think about structuring my life is Sacred Rhythms by Ruth Haley Barton. There are daily rhythms that I have, weekly rhythms, monthly and yearly rhythms. I need to pull away from the stream of demands and do a soul check to make sure that I am heading in the direction that I sense I am being led and not heading somewhere just from the demands of this world.

I have been challenged lately as God has pulled me back into more and more ministry. I am being stretched to answer this call, but more than that, I am being stretched to put up boundaries and safe-guards against falling prey to the demands of this lifestyle. In order to minister well, I have to be at a place where I know that I can sense God moving in my own life and hear his whispers. And when I am living the hurried life, this is virtually impossible.

How do we settle on what we are to do? I think that this is the cry of so many hearts. Wanting to find the balance, yet wanting to make sure their kids have all of the opportunities. Join me in this challenge to take a step back and evaluate. To settle your soul and know where God is leading you next. This will be my first time in five years that I am here for the frenzied Thanksgiving/Christmas season. Although I am looking forward to the path that God is leading me and what He has for me in this next season of life,  I also have a hesitancy to keep my focus and enjoy each day at a time!

Be blessed in your life each day!

I believe that God gives us peace in the direction that we are to take and unrest if it is the time to hold back. Peace.  Where are we to find this peace?

I have had a wrestling of faith over the last year that has been even stronger lately.  And as I contemplated the words of someone else lately, I resolved  – God is good and He knows stuff that I don’t know.  I have chosen to trust in Him and that includes in the good times, the bad times and the in-between times.

I believe in God because I have seen miracles in my life.  My faith is strong because I have personally experienced God work in my life.  I wrestled with the question whether God is real and if there is a God years ago.  And as I lived my life, year to year, God has shown me His power, His authority, His goodness, His truth through different circumstances.  Faith does not allow us to only trust and believe when things are good.  It also means that we are to remain steadfast when things do not feel so good either.

Once you experience God on a “that could only be God” level, there is no denying that God exists; there is no turning back.  We believe this when our lives are at peace.  And we believe this when our lives are at unrest.

And once you have concluded that there is a God, that your life is in His hands, and you have surrendered to all of that… everything else falls under this premise.

And that is me. That is where I stand right now.

I believe that there is a God.  I believe that He is all-powerful (omnipotent) because I have witnessed His power personally.  And I believe that He has my best interests in mind (omnibenevelent).  That what I want is not always best for me, yet He will give me the circumstances that are best for me.  And so as I contemplate life, I believe that He also is all-knowing (omniscient).  These three pillars are on which my faith is built.  To these three attributes I surrender.

And yet I think about the position that I am in right now.  I am not where I thought I would be in life when I dreamed of my life in my 30s.  There is nothing about my current life that I expected or planned.  I do not have a job.  I do not have a husband.  I do not have kids. Each of these are things that I deeply desire.  The lack of these things have caused a separation between me and community.   Each of these things I have laid before the Lord.  Each of these are promises that God has given me.  And so why then is He withholding these things from me?  Does my heart not grieve the loss of all three?  Does He not want the very best for me?  Yes. He does.

I am grateful that my circumstances have led me to have a faith that is unwavering.  I draw strength from my past and when God has done the impossible in my life.  This doesn’t mean that I don’t have heartache in my loneliness.  There is plenty of that.  But I also have spiritual markers in my life where God revealed His power and authority to me that left me speechless and so I have to choose to surrender to Him and not make my life happen.

How long do I have to wait for these things to happen?  It is a conflict of faith.  Because I could flip the switch and make things happen.  I am good at taking on things that God has not given to me.    But is that God’s best for me?  If I believe He is all powerful, then that means that He could make something happen from nothing.  That means that His timing is better than my timing.  There are many times when shattering of peace within me makes me want to make things happen within my own power and forget about God.  But the experience within me says that when I try to do things within my own strength, or my own wisdom, it will only be temporary.  It may appear to be good at first, but it will always fail.

And so… I cling to my faith.

And I wait.

Crying out often to God asking how much longer.  The heartache is real.  The struggle is daily.

The comments that I have sheltered lately have tested my faith even more.  They come from well-meaning people, but their words do not sit well.  I was asked,” Are you not angry with God because He knew that you would give up your job, only to come back and it not be here?”  And another person said, “Do you find yourself mad at God because He is providing paths for others and not for you?” These thoughts have come to my mind more than once since they are spoken… and my response is this – I believe in God and in His power.  I believe that when God wants me to leave this place, He will speak to me.  I believe that God knows all and that in the waiting, there is much for me to learn and grow.  Yes my heart yearns to not be in this season of life any longer; but it yearns even more for God’s will and His hand.

There is joy in perseverance.  There is joy in the trial.  Because God’s hand is seen, not unseen.

I sit here on the rubble of an old adobe house looking out over the valley and I yearn for the simplicity around me to settle in my heart. A smile appears on my face and I breathe in the fresh mountain air. And I am hit by the contrast.

Life here is simple.  But life here is hard.

My ear is drawn to the roar of the river below and I try to see how high the water has risen after a hard night’s rain. And I am reminded of how the water is welcome in this valley as it will bring life to the fields and provide the corn for the next year’s harvest.

A simple life.

And I peer below to see if the bridge that connects the mountain to the town is still standing.  Last I saw it, it wasn’t straight, but had been split in two by the power of the rising river now mangled into a “V” shape crossing the river.  Vehicles drove over it quickly hoping to not land in the river below.  If the bridge goes, then the people will have to pass through the river bed below.  They’ve done this before.  The challenge being that the river is often too high to pass and vehicles take the chance sometimes, only to be swept into the current.  A challenge in this land.

Simple, as I am surrounded by cornfields.  Most of them tilled and planted by hand.  A simple life of harvesting corn for the next meal. Yet hard because these fields are not flat.  They rise on the mountainsides, often washing away with a heavy rain.  Corn growing from any plot that has a hind of soil.  This is too steep for oxen so the land will be tilled by hand once again.  Then planted, fertilized and weeded each day.

I close my eyes again to take in the sounds and the peace in this valley and my ear catches the vroom of a motorcycle heading towards town and see a father with his two children, one in front of him and one hugging him from behind, heading to school.  The freedom of a motorcycle is something that brings me joy, to feel the fresh air on my face, see the mountains around me as if the world is your map. Yet, to own a motorcycle here is years of hard work.  It represents the hard life conquered.  Creating opportunity from years of saving.

There is the simple and steady put- put -put of the corn mill grinding the neighbor’s corn to be eaten that day in the staple of this land – corn tortillas.  The simplicity of life in growing all the food you “need” on your family’s plot of land outside of your home.  Many people never leave the boundaries of these mountains.

I am interrupted by a woman while I am deep in thought.  Asking me if I am from below.  Where did she come from?  How did she appear?  She walks to town using this mountain trail and is surprised at a white person sitting and staring at the valley.  Hard, because the rains have come.  She tells me there is no road or driveway to her house.  She walks this way today because the rains have made the other road impassable.  She walks the two miles to town for any necessities that she needs for the week and then brings them home.  A morning’s job.  But as she makes small talk, I realize the real question she came over to talk to me was to ask if we had work below?  And I was reminded of hard.  Hard because everything here is temporary.  Jobs are not permanent.  Money is never expected.  People are happy to have a week of work providing money for something that they need.  And then waiting for the next opportunity to arise to earn more money.  All is temporary.  Nothing is promised.

As she leaves, I rise and begin to follow the trail more.  A trail that I often imagine as I fall asleep at night to remind me of the simple beauty of these mountains.  And I catch the singing of the waterfalls, small trickles coming through rocks in the mountains.  And I rejoice for the rain from the night before.  How we all rejoice for rain because with rain brings a good harvest.  And this eases the weight on families.

And as I walk, the question arises in my mind, “How can a life remain simple and hard.  Constantly fluctuating.  Never stable.”  It is hard because that river of life causes landslides, and fields to flood and engulfs cars trying to pass through to the other side.  Simple because the roads have been carved through the mountains yet hard because there are deep ruts, landslides and mud holes that keep vehicles from passing.

Simple because what is needed to survive can be grown by hand; hard because drought, insects, education and finances limit the resources available.

The birds chirp bringing joy to my heart.  But the birds also remind me of the war in the not so far off past.  They birds sing as they have returned to the mountains.  During war times, there were no birds in the air, snakes on the ground, lizards to be found.  Everything became about survival and every animal was savored for that meal, not knowing when the next food may come.  How the simple sound of a bird can bring about memories of a harder time.

It is simple and it brings me joy because I can concentrate on the little things and love on people.  But I have the reminders daily of how hard it is.  Because the culture is stuck in a balance – always trying to get ahead.  Somedays taking two steps forward.  And other days taking three steps back.

And so it is for me as well.

“Let us fix out eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.  For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”  Hebrews 12:2

How was your trip?  What did you do?  What did you eat?  Where did you sleep?  Were you scared?  What were the people like?

I am sure that my teammates have received plenty of questions like this since returning home.  These are all experience questions.  And in part, that is what a short term trip is about.  It is hard to get past the experience, especially the first time in a country and this was a rookie trip for everyone!

As we sat with different missionary couples, the question arose, “Why do you do short term teams?”  And many different answers were given.  But for the 28 persons who are currently permanent with Adonai, each one has their roots on a short term team.  The face of missions has changed over the last decade.  Those who are leaving to serve on the field more often are from short term experiences then were raised on the field.   Adonai strongly believes that teams have a purpose and a place within the ministry.  And they recognize the different roles we have towards the global missions challenge.

It is those who step away from their home culture, into another culture that God grabs ahold of and meets them right where they are.  No matter where it is, if it is twenty miles from your house, a new ministry in the states, or around the globe.

And so answering this questions on what was “done” on the trip are tricky.  Our main focus was to encourage the missionaries who are here permanently on the field and come alongside of them in their daily ministry tasks.  To encourage is to be present.  To remind locals and missionaries that they are not alone.  What God did past that on a personal level is how God wanted to impact each person personally.

There were things that we “did” that were tasks that needed done from cleaning, to painting to joining in of worship sets and observing clinic.  All of these gave perspective of what it meant to live here and be a part of the ministry.

A shapshot of that..

Plenty of painting from clinics to houses ….

Joining in the local ministries….

Growing together as a Body of Christ and being stretched…

Joining the ministry where we could…

And creating fellowship and opportunities for others who want to join in Kingdom Reach to be able to come alongside and be a part of what God is doing globally.

May you rest in the truth today that we are all part of the Kingdom reach whether it is at your kitchen table or half way around the globe.  We are called to love and be a light.  May those two things never be extinguished.

1 John 4:19 ” We love because he first loved us.”

Strangers.

This is what we were four months ago.  But now, we are bonded differently, completely and in a way that only God could do.

Our church has grown so much that there are people you never see.  You are in a row upstairs, someone is downstairs, someone else attends later, someone is working in the nursery.  There is a struggle to connect.  And so, when we came together as a team, this is how our connections were.  Each was connected to me in one way, yet none of them connected until months ago.

When God impressed on my heart to continue forward with the plans for this trip, His words were – I have a purpose for each person that will go.  Each of them unique.  Yet each of them intentional.  And I did not know what those were.  Nor did I know who would be on this team.  I was to only present an opportunity and then allow God to bring the people to me.  Slowly they came.  And I will admit, I had my doubts whether I had heard God clearly on this one!

Yet, through the last two weeks, I have been smiling as I see just how God hand-picked each one.  With purpose.  He was right, as always.  And He was good to us.  As one member expressed this week, we are not bonded by age, occupations, former friendships, or anything else.  Yet our worldview and love for God gives us a common ground on which we could build, work together, share, trust one another and grow in a safe space.

And so it was with us this past week…. Just that.  Days filled with smiles, growth, challenges, love and laughter.  And I am praising God for giving us this opportunity to see others within the Body of Christ like this and connect with others within the church to further strengthen our ties.

It is exactly why I never want to hand pick people to be part of a team.  Because by human effort I would fail.  Yet allow God to put the burden on their hearts and allow them to pursue this opportunity.

I encourage you when you see each one of them to ask what God did in their heart this week and how their worldview has been expanded.  To listen what they have to say.  And to join in their joy as they share about their experiences and how they were stretched.

God is good.

All the time.

And all the time.

God is good.

I praise him for hand-picking this team.  I praise him for stretching each of us differently.  I praise him for creating us each uniquely.  I praise him for creating unity so quickly and effortlessly.  And I praise Him for what He continues to do in each of these lives.  My heart overflows with joy in seeing God work and move and unite.

Blessings to you from Guatemala.

For us it is mid week and as I write all are soundly sleeping.  It has been busy as we spent the day painting today and yesterday went to a clinic yesterday.  We are all well and mulling over things in our hearts. Pray as you are led.

A quick update since I am busy with much….

We are all well.  More than well. As life here is different and we are experiencing it through different eyes.

We have been to San Andres to work on the clinic and in Canilla at the hospital. Tomorrow we return to San Andres.  Thank you for your prayers….

And we have arrived … in Pittsburgh…and are waiting for our plane lane without incident.   We are hoping the roads are passable today and we make it to Guatemala.

“Everyone to whom much was given, of him much will be required, and from him to whom they entrusted much, they will demand the more. – Luke 12:48”