I believe that God gives us peace in the direction that we are to take and unrest if it is the time to hold back. Peace.  Where are we to find this peace?

I have had a wrestling of faith over the last year that has been even stronger lately.  And as I contemplated the words of someone else lately, I resolved  – God is good and He knows stuff that I don’t know.  I have chosen to trust in Him and that includes in the good times, the bad times and the in-between times.

I believe in God because I have seen miracles in my life.  My faith is strong because I have personally experienced God work in my life.  I wrestled with the question whether God is real and if there is a God years ago.  And as I lived my life, year to year, God has shown me His power, His authority, His goodness, His truth through different circumstances.  Faith does not allow us to only trust and believe when things are good.  It also means that we are to remain steadfast when things do not feel so good either.

Once you experience God on a “that could only be God” level, there is no denying that God exists; there is no turning back.  We believe this when our lives are at peace.  And we believe this when our lives are at unrest.

And once you have concluded that there is a God, that your life is in His hands, and you have surrendered to all of that… everything else falls under this premise.

And that is me. That is where I stand right now.

I believe that there is a God.  I believe that He is all-powerful (omnipotent) because I have witnessed His power personally.  And I believe that He has my best interests in mind (omnibenevelent).  That what I want is not always best for me, yet He will give me the circumstances that are best for me.  And so as I contemplate life, I believe that He also is all-knowing (omniscient).  These three pillars are on which my faith is built.  To these three attributes I surrender.

And yet I think about the position that I am in right now.  I am not where I thought I would be in life when I dreamed of my life in my 30s.  There is nothing about my current life that I expected or planned.  I do not have a job.  I do not have a husband.  I do not have kids. Each of these are things that I deeply desire.  The lack of these things have caused a separation between me and community.   Each of these things I have laid before the Lord.  Each of these are promises that God has given me.  And so why then is He withholding these things from me?  Does my heart not grieve the loss of all three?  Does He not want the very best for me?  Yes. He does.

I am grateful that my circumstances have led me to have a faith that is unwavering.  I draw strength from my past and when God has done the impossible in my life.  This doesn’t mean that I don’t have heartache in my loneliness.  There is plenty of that.  But I also have spiritual markers in my life where God revealed His power and authority to me that left me speechless and so I have to choose to surrender to Him and not make my life happen.

How long do I have to wait for these things to happen?  It is a conflict of faith.  Because I could flip the switch and make things happen.  I am good at taking on things that God has not given to me.    But is that God’s best for me?  If I believe He is all powerful, then that means that He could make something happen from nothing.  That means that His timing is better than my timing.  There are many times when shattering of peace within me makes me want to make things happen within my own power and forget about God.  But the experience within me says that when I try to do things within my own strength, or my own wisdom, it will only be temporary.  It may appear to be good at first, but it will always fail.

And so… I cling to my faith.

And I wait.

Crying out often to God asking how much longer.  The heartache is real.  The struggle is daily.

The comments that I have sheltered lately have tested my faith even more.  They come from well-meaning people, but their words do not sit well.  I was asked,” Are you not angry with God because He knew that you would give up your job, only to come back and it not be here?”  And another person said, “Do you find yourself mad at God because He is providing paths for others and not for you?” These thoughts have come to my mind more than once since they are spoken… and my response is this – I believe in God and in His power.  I believe that when God wants me to leave this place, He will speak to me.  I believe that God knows all and that in the waiting, there is much for me to learn and grow.  Yes my heart yearns to not be in this season of life any longer; but it yearns even more for God’s will and His hand.

There is joy in perseverance.  There is joy in the trial.  Because God’s hand is seen, not unseen.